I’m sad.

I really am and I don’t know what to do about it. I know I should be glad to be alive and healthy, physically healthy at least.

I just wish I could just be “normal”. You know, not being terrified when being around people, be able to keep a friend, not being bipolar, be able to meet someone, fall in love, be happy.

I don’t want to feel dead anymore. To me my life is absolutely worthless and I don’t know what to do about it. I’ve got a job, sometimes Iike it there, most times not.

I’ve just given up hope that it will get better.

I had one thing to look forward to and that was seeing Amanda Palmer in March. She cancelled the show. Her best friend has cancer so I completely understand and I’m not mad at her. Just sad. Seems like right now I don’t get to keep anything good. Dog died, camera died, love for music died, no Amanda.

I feel so guilty all the time. For feeling sorry for myself, for not playing the guitar my brother got me, for failing the dog, for failing school, for hating everything.

I really want to stop hating anything but I don’t know how. I just want to do something that I like, something that I want to do. I want to have some part of my life which I control. What I do now is what other people tells me to do.

I don’t want to put this on the Internet but I don’t have anyone to talk to so the Internet somehow makes me feel less alone.

Do It With A Rockstar – Amanda Palmer

I didn’t know that I wanted this but apparently I did. I just don’t have words… just… *swoon*

Dog thing… again.

Sorry… Though I’m not sorry you don’t have to read it.

I’m going back to school. Or I’ll try, there’s a person trying to help me to get into a high school with a special program including a lot of dog-related classes. Like how to train a dog, health care, start up a business (dog daycare centre), anatomy and such.

To be able to so this I obviously need a dog. So I will have to talk to my parents and figure this shot out. Last time I tried to talk about this they basically said “move out, then get a dog”. That’s what I’ll do, I just need the dog BEFORE I move out so I can get into the school.

If I can get into the school that’s closest to home I’ll have to try to get in to another one that’s closer to my sister so that’ll be fine as well. But again, I need a dog.

I can pay for the dog, just not right now. But I can pay every months until I’ve paid it off (is that even how you say it? you get what I mean). This time I’ll settle with a small dog. I’ve even found a 1.5 year old papillon. They’re really small but clever and very active and are usually great at agility. Also over all very healthy dogs.

I don’t know if I should just get more facts about the dog. Because obviously telling them how much I need one doesn’t help. But right now, to get an education I NEED a dog. I suck at studying, so if I can study something that I really want to (and wanted for my entire life) I think I’ll do better. Also, I’ll go to school, meet people and might beat this social phobia once and for all.

Also it’s proven that dog helps people dealing with being bipolar and also anxiety. Like getting on a bus/train/out of the house without being completely alone makes a HUGE difference.

So any advice for bringing this up? I’m scared I might cry and I don’t want to come across as a child trying to get a puppy as a Christmas present. This is a matter of being able to live a normal life or not. Or living at all.

I’ve got Amanda Palmer in march but after that I see no future at all. I’ll just stop existing.

It’s getting personal…

[WARNING. Shitty, boring posts about being me at this time of night]

Yes, this might be a stupid decision, I’m on drugs (all legal of course). But it’s time this blog gets personal. I don’t know why but I feel like random depressing post doesn’t explain much what’s happening in my head. Since I can’t actually talk about it then I might as well write about it in stead.

I’ve mentioned before, I’m bipolar and it’s fucking up my mind. I’ve got crazy mood swings. It’s not Bipolar Disorder I’ve got, more like “bipolar light” which means that it’s not as obvious and the mood swings are usually “slower” than for people with BPD, at least it is for me.

I get really depressed from time to time and sometimes light manic episodes.

Right now it changes from day to day. It get be good at times but when something really shitty happens (like a dog dying) the head gets fucked again.

I tend to get obsessive about certain things (like getting a dog) and feel like I need just that to survive. But brining up the dog again, I really do feel like I need one. I’ve mentioned this too many times but I tend to only make friends while having a dog. I’m not a very interesting person and being bipolar is not helping to keep friends. They easily get tired of it, I don’t hold it agains them. When it’s bad I can be a terrible friend.

As for now, in this moment, I’ve taken my sleeping pills and my mind can relax a bit and I can think clearer. But when it’s bad I just need a dog to be there, I need someone who needs me to keep me fighting.

I really can’t afford getting one myself, and I can’t (and won’t try) to convince my parents to get me one. They got a lot of shit from me with the last dog. Also I’m too scared and I don’t know how to tell them how I don’t want or can live without a dog. I’m completely isolated, I’ve got my cats but that’s not the same thing.

When I say I don’t want to live I truly mean it. I don’t want to kill myself (I’M SEEING AMANDA FUCKING PALMER IN MARCH SOOO…), I just to want to live. Telling your parents (and entire family since my mum can’t keep her mouth shut ha) is not something you want to do. At least not me. I’ve disappointed them too many times, they’ve got more important things to worry about. They don’t need my shit as well.

I’ve got AFP for now, that’s what keeping me alive. After March I’ll just have to fix this dog thing. Even if it means moving away from home and living on water and bread (or get a really rich girlfriend to support me or not (I can’t even touch people)) to get one. Of try to study somehow and get a loan, I just don’t know what to study since I suck at basically everything.

I tried to ask mum to help me to figure out the dog situation, all she said was “no”. Nothing else

So any advice?

Fuck my life new life plan

It’ll be months before I can move out, I probably won’t be able to get a dog in the next 10 years.

I can’t make human friends, so now what? I’ll live alone for 10 years? I think I’ve mentioned this before but whit the puppy I could talk to people. I could even ask questions to the instructor in the puppy class, I’ve been too scared to ask questions since 4th grade. Why do you think I failed school?

Whit the other dog I didn’t get to a puppy class, or any class for that matter. I didn’t have a chance to talk to people anywhere. There, I could talk to anyone, we only talked about dogs but it was a start.

After a month or two I was even able to talk and ask question to a librarian. In February I would be so scared I wouldn’t be able to open my mouth.

Now I have to start over, I wanted to go to the library the other day but I just couldn’t. Fuck, I’m scared of getting on a buss.

I do understand why my parents won’t get me a new dog, and I’m not mad at them or anything. But I have to solve this somehow, I’m scared of being alone even though I’m scared of being around people.

I’ll go to Copenhagen ALONE to see AMANDA FUCKING PALMER in March and I don’t know how I’ll make it. I might have to throw up before the show. Have to make sure I don eat anything that day ha

So yeah, I’m desperate and I don’t know what to do. I’m in therapy for this BUT IT ISN’T FUCKING HELPING. Don’t say I’m not trying. I go to work everyday. I get on the bus to get to my psychologist. Anyway, nothing helped before so why should it help now?

Whit the the risk of sounding overdramatic, I feel like I’m dying, or dead. I don’t want to live.

I’m not going to kill myself, because I’m seeing AMANDA FUCKING PALMER. But I don’t know what to after that?

I’ll probably regret this post later, but as for now I don’t fucking care.

New life plan.

1. I’ll get myself a place to live (on my own).
2. Get a dog.
3. Start living and stop feeling dead.

I know I keep going on about the whole dog thing and all, but dogs are important to me. I don’t get people, and people never stick around long enough to get to know me. I do understand them because most of the time I’m not much fun to be around. Dogs though I get. It’s the only thing I’m sure I’m good at. The thing that went wrong with my puppy was the fact that my family can’t get along. They refused to use my methods and I refused to use theirs. Of course the dog got confused and didn’t feel well at all. If I were on my own I’m sure he would be a great dog by now.

I’ve said this before, I thought the puppy would get about 8-10 years old. I jump between stuff that I want to do all the time, that’s all due to my bipolar/mania-shit. With the dog I would be stuck with him, no chance I could change my mind and just do something else.

Everyone is going on about me having to get back to school as soon as I’m “well”. People don’t get that I’ll never be well. I’ll always be like this. The meds makes it easier to cope with it but this is me. I can’t go to school or study something I don’t want to anymore. Everything school-related I’ve done before is just because everyone tells me to do it.

Yes, I want to study, but I want to study so I can work at a dog daycare centre. Then I can keep educating myself in dog-related things, like a dog trainer. Or anything that has dog in the title.

I think that the only once who understands how much dogs means to me is my psychologist. I had a meeting with her yesterday and she was worried that I might kill myself. And yes, I feel like I have no reason to live anymore. I don’t care how silly it sounds but I don’t want to live without a dog. I don’t see a future for me anymore. I just feel like I won’t survive another month. I now that I sound overdramatic but it’s how I feel. I’ll probably calm down, I know that my head is messing with me. But still, I don’t care how stupid my parents think I am, this is what I need and I’ll get it somehow. Or else there’s no point with me.

I’m not going to kill myself, that’s a promise, because I have my life plan and I’ll hold on to that. I don’t care if I can’t afford a dog. I’ll live on water and eat every third day if that’s what it takes.

Also I haven’t seen Amanda Palmer live yet, that’s also keeping me alive.

This is probably way too personal to post on the internet but I literally have no one else to talk to (except my psychologist…) and I need to get this out there.

I’ll just go listen to Theatre Is Evil and cry and sleep.

Stupid.

You know when you try to tell someone something really important and they stop you in the middle telling you how stupid you are? Feels great.

Best. Parents. Ever.

Wow I sound like a teenager. Whatever…

I’m taking a break from Internet now. I’m getting really depressed and shit and I don’t want to write stuff that I’ll regret later.

Plans.

Next person who tells me to make up some plans for the future will get a punch in the face. No matter who they are.

Plans don’t work out for me.

I planned to stay in London for a couple of years… That went to hell. Instead I now owe my brother a shitload of money for something that never really happened.

Planned to have my dog for 10+ years. Now he’s dead. I wanted to go back to school, to study something dog-related. Now I can’t. Not sure if I want to. This was the only thing I was sure that I was good at. I’ve spent more time reading books on dogs than I’ve studied for school (which doesn’t say a lot but still…).

So I’m not making any new plans anytime soon. So shut up. Please.

I just hit me that my bed sheets smells like the puppy. If I wash them now then he’s gone. I mean, he already is but then he’s really gone.

Last dog was old and died on her own. But the puppy was just a puppy and he died because of me. I don’t know how to deal with this.

I’m just going to stay in bed for a bit longer.

I’d die for you. Really.

Today I got asked the question if I could give my life to save someone. I could. Easily. I’m not a big fan of life and I think that if I could give my life to someone who will appreciate it would be worth it.

I mean, a nice person suffering from a disease no one can cure, then they would value life more than I do. Life for me is just a waste of time.

I’m not suicidal. I’m not going to kill myself, but if I could trade my life to save someone else I would.

Jesus Christ this blog is getting depressing. I’m not even sure anyone is reading this…