[WARNING. Shitty, boring posts about being me at this time of night]
Yes, this might be a stupid decision, I’m on drugs (all legal of course). But it’s time this blog gets personal. I don’t know why but I feel like random depressing post doesn’t explain much what’s happening in my head. Since I can’t actually talk about it then I might as well write about it in stead.
I’ve mentioned before, I’m bipolar and it’s fucking up my mind. I’ve got crazy mood swings. It’s not Bipolar Disorder I’ve got, more like “bipolar light” which means that it’s not as obvious and the mood swings are usually “slower” than for people with BPD, at least it is for me.
I get really depressed from time to time and sometimes light manic episodes.
Right now it changes from day to day. It get be good at times but when something really shitty happens (like a dog dying) the head gets fucked again.
I tend to get obsessive about certain things (like getting a dog) and feel like I need just that to survive. But brining up the dog again, I really do feel like I need one. I’ve mentioned this too many times but I tend to only make friends while having a dog. I’m not a very interesting person and being bipolar is not helping to keep friends. They easily get tired of it, I don’t hold it agains them. When it’s bad I can be a terrible friend.
As for now, in this moment, I’ve taken my sleeping pills and my mind can relax a bit and I can think clearer. But when it’s bad I just need a dog to be there, I need someone who needs me to keep me fighting.
I really can’t afford getting one myself, and I can’t (and won’t try) to convince my parents to get me one. They got a lot of shit from me with the last dog. Also I’m too scared and I don’t know how to tell them how I don’t want or can live without a dog. I’m completely isolated, I’ve got my cats but that’s not the same thing.
When I say I don’t want to live I truly mean it. I don’t want to kill myself (I’M SEEING AMANDA FUCKING PALMER IN MARCH SOOO…), I just to want to live. Telling your parents (and entire family since my mum can’t keep her mouth shut ha) is not something you want to do. At least not me. I’ve disappointed them too many times, they’ve got more important things to worry about. They don’t need my shit as well.
I’ve got AFP for now, that’s what keeping me alive. After March I’ll just have to fix this dog thing. Even if it means moving away from home and living on water and bread (or get a really rich girlfriend to support me or not (I can’t even touch people)) to get one. Of try to study somehow and get a loan, I just don’t know what to study since I suck at basically everything.
I tried to ask mum to help me to figure out the dog situation, all she said was “no”. Nothing else
So any advice?